sometimes your day job can’t always be supportive of your lifestyle. I would get a studio and revel in some rigorous making or just throw a small intimate karaoke party with my friends and project Teen Witch on the studio wall afterward to deal with the toxic mental residue from work, only if i could afford a studio. But my entitlement doesnt go that far, so you just gotta suck it up, tighten up, and then relax, repetitively and constantly, possibly 5ever.
my mom is a self-acclaimed kegel master and she was spreading the word very hard to me and my sister. if you could take control of the gush of fluid in the middle of urination that would be the ultimate feeling of accomplishment very much in that short easy moment as if you’d render yourself into God.
for some time now i sucked it up, tightened up, but never let go. After all, i was a fearful victim to a toxic manipulative gaslighting workplace mental abuse that was actually more real, piercingly real than i’d ever expected that it didn’t fucking feel real anymore. so i pooped, got expelled, and finally felt relief for the first time in a long while. good god, it feels great.
last week i went spinning and treadled so fierce i was spouting sweat like crazy and i knew in that moment that i was going thru some real shit. arduously and intensively i was truly relaxing
one thing that the following (traumatic triggers, food waste odor in my trash, plastic bags, hypnagogic flashbacks) share in common is that they are all either cringeworthy or threateningly painful, stuck somewhere within you, like that trojan virus hidden in your computer backup files that you could never let go of since windows 98 and still bombard you with hypersexualized dating chat tabs from time to time.
They also have an astronomical half-life; that is, they are the ultimate raw umber to that ugliest painting of yours, the cute embarrassment of your idealistic high school days with a dream of becoming the baddest van gogh of the future.
So I never thought that i would be still very nerve-wracked and amateur at life, still so mortified by a phone call with my dad in his late fifties, too idealistic most of the time and whose life values i can still barley grasp, who would yell shit at me (w some embedded curse words) for being angry too often.
Astronomical half-life is no joke. it is immortal and life-changing. i will forever have to learn to adopt and parent the strange and alien trigger from the voice of my dad. the same goes to the stop and shop plastic bag that i took in place of my forgotten grocery bag. it will be my guilty piece of annoyance in earth that probably will be there forever under digestion, just like all the other gloops that i have to roll with.
what is a way to empower myself, a postgrad with a BFA, independent yet financially struggling, with no mother cell in physical proximity, with no A/C in my room and sweating like a pig?:
I gave it some deep thought and came up with the following possible solutions:
- be the utmost bitch:
sometimes i do some hardcore slaughter in my dream🌟 once i had to spoon out the eyeballs of a middle aged male and the graphic moment was a triumph and forever end of some of my introverted fear
- get an A/C and/or shower a lot
i am a financially struggling child, spoiled. because I am constantly angry and cussing i.e. right before going to sleep everyday acknowledging tomo will be another worse day in this wretched unsupportive society and i have to disassemble this gimongous loft bed myself in a few f’ing weeks!!! when the fan is at max and it just only blows hot air at my face i am very infuriated. so i have to continuously remind myself to cleanse.
- touch myself more and climax, spread the word
as a pinnacle of autosexual romance, i should look more into boy-meets-girl, that is, self-meets-self rom coms that accentuates euphoric purity of heart. make it into a movie and get signed
the following are true facts on my feelings today aka another meant-to-be 💩show. it’s tragic that i will never be articulate enough on what i thought made sense in my brain and when it comes to unraveling it in honest clearcut cogent words it almost never makes sense. i will always be this borderline awkward kid of ultimate ambiguity who can’t explain anything from the mouth. its sad that nothing makes sense anymore. but maybe writing will help. visual language was never fucking easy anyways. not that writing was any easier. sometimes i empathize on the deepest level with memes more than anything…….!!
I’m still trying to come to terms with everything and it’s truly tragic that i can’t even build anything concrete but merely throw pathetic blobs of shit at things in the most miserable attempt to construct and/or mend the whole where one slight blow would actually make everything come t,t,t,tumbling down. the other day I tried to put in words this simple imagery for kelsey about me trying to build a website with a sad yet tolerable end result. but I got stuck and i felt slightly let down by myself having a hard time more and more explaining things.
so it’s tragic that that i can’t talk to my mom about the anger and rage that i feel about shit happening in the cosmos that clearly matters to me so much yet i am so horribly bad at explaining it. not that it would actually change my mom’s thoughts if i were any better. i’m afraid there will never come a day she will catch a glimpse at the kind of frustration coming from the privileged enlightenment she worked her ass off to give to me. and I might just annoy her for another good amount of time like forever? and this is why i never want to have kids b/c i have no courage to sacrifice myself for a replica of myself.. or anyone. I could make love to my replica though.
I used to think I would be an amazing painter. what makes a person an amazing painter?
I am a new millennial child. I can be alone for a long time just fine, without any company, as long as I have my computer and my keyboard. Haven and I once had a conversation a season ago when we went to the farm beach in the slapping freezing weather. We had gloves yet she wanted a situated selfie of herself so one of my hands had to be vulnerable to the slappin swooshing wind that battered me like crazy but i care about my friend’s self promotion so i did my best to get the best photo of her and boy am I philanthropic! and somehow thanks to the piercing coldness of course i became very aware of my physicality and started thinking about my bodily extension and realized that my keyboard is actually a very probable extension of my body with the possibility of my used white acura* becoming a new extension (*who is probably now in the junkyard heaven rest in power💪) .
life is tiring but I still appreciate little moments i partake in including but not limited to ordering an 18″ pizza all to myself and realizing what privilege I actually have!
so I still want to be a superstar and/or an amazing well-to-do person (possibly a mogul?)