saying goodbye to mom

has been never more difficult in my life. mostly and probably it means more realization in general, more physical activity and susceptible surges. maybe the last one won’t apply much. my mom was the kind of person who just didn’t seem to understand the millennial shitrage was real. which involves all sorts of things. a millennial is not a millenial without any kind of disorder. so my mom probably doesn’t understand. and I too am not really a faithful daughter. we come from different worlds yet our neural processes somehow embraced each other in a weird way that salted potato chips-meets-vinegar would somehow make sense. but when things have to come to a certain stage it involves much more independence. so although i wasn’t exactly nice to her on the surface i shed some tears on my own and am now waiting for her call not knowing in the slightest degree when. tomorrow i will order what will soon to be a rare occasion from now on, that is, having an extra-large pizza delivered to my place and demolishing all the grease and feeling fucked up yet slightly euphoric.

p.s. fuck y’all spammers spamming the purest nonprofit blog of a child who juss wants to lash out!!!!😭🖕🖕

sometimes i might just want to be downright serious

and i just want to list true facts on my feelings today which i know will end up being another 💩show. it’s tragic that i will never be articulate enough on what i thought made sense in my brain and when it comes to trying to unravel it in honest clearcut cogent words it actually never makes sense. i will always be this borderline awkward kid of ultimate ambiguity who can’t explain anything in korean but never easier in english either. its sad that nothing makes sense anymore. but maybe writing will help. visual language was never fucking easier anyways. not that writing was easy either. sometimes i empathize on the deepest level with memes more than anything…….!!

I’m still trying to come to terms with everything and it’s truly tragic that i can’t even build anything concrete but merely throw pathetic blobs of shit at things in the most pathetic attempt to construct and/or mend it where one slight blow would actually make everything come t,t,t,tumbling down. the other day I tried to put in words this simple imagery to kelsey about me trying to build a website with a miserable yet tolerable end result. but I got stuck and i felt slightly let down by myself having a hard time more and more explaining things.

so it’s tragic that that i can’t talk to my mom about the anger and rage that i feel about shit happening in the cosmos that clearly matters to me so much yet i am so horribly bad at explaining it. not that it would actually change my mom’s thoughts if i were any better. i’m afraid there will never come a day she will catch a glimpse at the kind of frustration coming from the privileged enlightenment she worked her ass off to give to me. and I might just annoy her for another good amount of time like forever? and this is why i never want to have kids b/c i have no courage to sacrifice myself for a replica of myself.. or anyone. I could make love to my replica though.

once

I used to think I would be an amazing painter. what makes a person an amazing painter?

I am a new millennial child. I can be alone for a long time just fine, without any company, as long as I have my computer and my keyboard. Haven and I once had a conversation a season ago when we went to the farm beach in the slapping freezing weather and we had gloves yet she wanted a situated selfie of herself so one of my hands had to be vulnerable to the slappin swooshing wind that battered me like crazy but i care about my friend’s self promotion so i did my best to get the best photo of her and boy am I philanthropic! and somehow thanks to the piercing coldness of course i became very aware of my physicality and started thinking about my bodily extension and realized that my keyboard is actually a very probable extension of my body with the possibility of my used white acura (who is probably now in the junkyard heaven rest in power💪) becoming a new extension. but now it’s gone and a used toyota sienna came into my life sooner or later and now i might end up with a used lincoln. I try to be as ethical as possible, yet i am/will never be so. fuck.

life is tiring but I still appreciate little moments i partake in including but not limited to ordering an 18″ new york style pizza all to myself and realizing what privilege I actually have!

so I still want to be a superstar and/or an amazing well-to-do person (possibly a mogul?)